I’ve taken what is hopefully a step towards inner-peace and happiness. No, I’ve not become a member of a tribe of monks who live in the middle of nowhere, I’ve simply deactivated my Facebook account. Yey for me.
Why is this such a big deal? Well for me, it is quite a big deal, seeing as I probably spend around fifty percent of my time using the useless shit of a website. And why do I do that? I don’t know. Perhaps because I’d rather be preoccupied with the lives of others than my own pathetic excuse for existence.
But I think my main reason is that I’m freeing myself. I spend my life trying to build up an image of myself to impress others. I want to hide what is really going on and showcase everything I think people will consider ‘cool’. And who is my audience? Who actually cares? That’s the point, nobody really cares. But I want them to, so desperately. Some people in particular… An ex-girlfriend from 6 years ago, people at school who made me feel inadequate… The list goes on. The simple answer is, I want to be better than them. I want them to look at me (or, my Facebook profile) and think ‘This guy is a hotshot. He’s doing well. He’s gone further and better than me…’
…and maybe also ‘God I envy him’.
Its pathetic, its stupid, its a waste of time, its shallow. I know all of these things, so why don’t I feel them? Why am I still obsessed with getting people to like me? Because its a life-long habit and its all I know, and because I’m scared of actually doing what I want. I’m not where I want to be, I’m not doing what I want to do. I’ve dug myself into a hole, thinking there’d be treasure somewhere down below the dirt, thinking I’ll find happiness, but I’ve not found satisfaction and now I’m stuck in the hole and I don’t know how to get out. How do I go on with life not trying to impress people? That’s always been my occupation; fitting in, being popular, looking cool. Now suddenly I need to not give a fuck what people think of me and do things for myself? I don’t know how to do that. I don’t even know myself, so I can’t even ‘just be myself’.
I feel like deleting Facebook has somehow freed me from my chains, but now, just like a slave might have felt, I don’t know what to do with myself and this new found freedom. I can do whatever I like and nobody will ever know. I can do things for myself; I can fuck up, succeed, move back in with my parents, follow my dreams. The world is my oyster, yet whenever I imagine all the things I could do, my mind takes me back to Facebook. ‘I could go on a spontaneous trip to Holland, all on my own, stay on someone’s couch, have a fantastic experience’, and then automatically, like its completely natural, I think about making a Facebook status about it.
I have to stop myself. I have to say ‘no, we don’t put it on Facebook. Its fruitless, its unhealthy, its pathetic’. If I then lose any desire to do these things, did I ever want to do them at all? What do I want to do? Am I happy sitting in bed watching Netflix all day? I don’t write Facebook statuses about that. But then, nobody would think I’m awesomely cool. Pictures of me with a beer in my hand surrounded by friends, or setting my location to another country, or adding a new spoken language… That’s what will make me look cool, right? That will make people notice me, think I’m cool. Yeah. Fo sure.